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New Year’s resolutions that we can all keep

Joseph Capell
Joseph Capellhttp://slowjoe40.com
Joe Capell is a husband and the father of four children. When not herding the kids or working, he enjoys writing funny-ish things for the amusement of others. He’s also fond of naps and eating ice cream with his wife.

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It’s January! It’s a brand new year, and that means it’s time for a fresh start. Many of us use the new year as a beginning point to resolve to be better people.

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New Year’s resolutions can be big business. If you’ve ever been to the gym to workout during the first two weeks of January, you know what I mean.

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We make all kinds of New Year’s resolutions. We resolve to go to the gym. We resolve to eat healthier. We resolve to not watch as much television. We resolve to not swear as much. We resolve to become more spiritual. We resolve to be better neighbors. We resolve to be better people.

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And, for the first three or four weeks of the year, we remember our resolutions and we actually do a pretty good job of keeping them.

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But, by the time May rolls around we’re back to grabbing a tub of ice cream and a bag of McDonald’s fries while we sit on the couch and watch “Wheel of Fortune” and curse at Pat Sajak.

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Maybe what we need is to not push ourselves so hard. Maybe we need to be not quite so ambitious. Maybe what we need are New Year’s resolutions we can all actually keep.

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Here are a few we might start with:

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I will take down the Christmas tree sometime before Memorial Day.

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I will not eat an entire half-gallon of ice cream in one sitting.

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I will not kill any co-workers.

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I will shower or bathe at least once a week, whether I need to or not.

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I will not waste time by watching any television program featuring anyone with the last name of “Kardashian.”

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I will not eat any more than six donuts in any one day. (Do apple fritters count as donuts? I may have to rethink this one.)

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I will not flip anyone off while driving. (No one needs to see my middle finger.)

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I will not punch in the face the person in front of me who has 43 items in the “15 Items Or Less” checkout line.

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I will not lick the cake and/or frosting off of the candles any time I am around a birthday cake.

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If we start off small, maybe we can actually keep our resolutions. (We can always lose the weight next year.)

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For more funny-ish stuff, check out slowjoe40.com.

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Joseph Capell
Joseph Capellhttp://slowjoe40.com
Joe Capell is a husband and the father of four children. When not herding the kids or working, he enjoys writing funny-ish things for the amusement of others. He’s also fond of naps and eating ice cream with his wife.

More from Author

Daddy, Where are my Shoes?

Over the past twelve months I have spent approximately 38 percent of my waking hours looking for...

Who Was That Handsome Masked Man?

There was a time, not so long ago, when if someone walked into a store wearing a mask, everyone would get nervous.

Life as a Fashion Consultant isn’t Easy

I have two daughters, ages 12 and 5. Their Mom keeps them well-supplied with nice, cute, clothes. When they...

Social Distancing or Social Awkwardness

Social distancing shouldn’t be that hard for me. Why? Because there’s not much difference between social distancing and being socially awkward, and...
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