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One size fits ... sometimes

Apr 07, 2016 12:00AM
One size fits all.

It's a phrase we often hear, but we seldom believe.

Really? One size fits all? Have you seen the different sizes people are? Take a look at Mary Lou Retton. Then think of Shaquille O'Neal. (Picture him 40 or 50 pounds heavier than the last time you saw him, because now that he is retired and not chasing Tim Duncan, those Double Whoppers with Cheese add up pretty quick.) Now, picture Mary Lou and Shaq standing next to each other. (She's smiling, isn't she?) If Mary Lou stood inside Shaq's hightops, they would probably come up over her knees. Can you imagine ANYTHING that would fit BOTH of them?

My problem isn't with the people who claim one size fits all. They are either deluded or blatant liars. My problem comes when one specific size doesn't fit the same every time.

Not long ago, I lost some weight, and it was time to step down a size in my jeans. I have one brand and style of jeans that I’ve worn for years (Wrangler carpenter). (I like the little side pocket for my cell phone.) I've got six pair of jeans. They all SAY they are the same size, but they aren’t. Two pair are too loose, two pair are too tight, and two pair are juuuust right. (Yes, I just turned this story about pant sizes into "Goldilocks and the Three Bears.")

Is it asking too much to get some consistency? In a perfect world, jeans from different companies that SAY they are a certain size would all BE that same size, so I could freely move between Wrangler, Levi, Lee, Rustler, Ed's House O' Jeans or any other brand without worrying about size discrepancies. But that's not even what I'm asking for here. I can't even get the same BRAND to be consistent.

I have the same problem with shoes. I’m somewhere between size 10-and-a-half and size 12. Buying shoes online is virtually impossible. Maybe it's a ploy to keep shoe salesmen in business? (If so, it's not working. I haven't been to a store where the shoe salesman brings out the shoe and puts it on your foot since about 1989.)

In the end, I don't care what size the label SAYS my clothes are, I just want clothes that fit. So, I may have to resort to the closest thing we have to "one size fits all": stretchy spandex! Please don't make it come to that. (I wonder if anyone makes spandex pants with a side pocket for my cell phone?)

For more funny-ish stuff, go to slowjoe40.com.