Before I had kids …

r Before I had kids, I would go to whichever fast food restaurant was closest. Now, I’ll drive 20 miles out of my way to find a fast food restaurant with a PlayPlace.

Before I had kids, my only concern with stairs was how winded I might get if I had to climb several flights of them at once. Now, I look at every stairway as a “Scary, Jagged Incline of Terror” that might cause injury and pain to my toddler who hasn’t yet learned how to safely navigate them.

Before I had kids, I would eat spaghetti whenever I felt like it. Now, I plan eating spaghetti around my children’s bath times and won’t let them eat it unless I have quick access to a bathtub. (Or possibly a hose.)

Before I had kids, it never would have occurred to me to walk up to someone in a public place and sniff their bottom. Now, I do so regularly.

Before I had kids, I would put on my socks, then I would put on my shoes. Now, before I put on my shoes, I have to check them to make sure there aren’t any toys and/or fruit snacks hiding in them.

Before I had kids, I could simply reach into my pocket to get my car keys. Now, to get to the keys, I have to navigate past the half dozen slightly used facial tissues that have been used to wipe the noses of my children and placed in my pocket when no garbage can was readily available.

Before I had kids, if I cut my finger, I would put a Band-Aid on it. Now, I have to choose whether I want a “Frozen,” “Scooby-Doo” or “Toy Story” Band-Aid.

Before I had kids, I could sit in a chair for hours without getting disturbed. Now, I can sometimes sit in a chair for 20 minutes before a tiny person climbs on top of me and knees me in the crotch.

Before I had kids, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Now, I wait until the kids are in bed before having treats because I don’t want them to eat too much sugar. (And I don’t want to share my goodies with them.)

Before I had kids, I would smile occasionally. Now, I find myself smiling and laughing much more frequently, because as crazy as they drive me sometimes, my kids also make me pretty darn happy!

You can find new funny-ish stuff every Tuesday and Friday at


Joseph Capell
Joseph Capell
Joe Capell is a husband and the father of four children. When not herding the kids or working, he enjoys writing funny-ish things for the amusement of others. He’s also fond of naps and eating ice cream with his wife.

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