Wednesday, May 25, 2022

In Defense of Pineapple On Pizza

r Pizza is delicious! It’s one thing almost everyone can agree on. It’s the do-it-all meal featuring bread, sauce, cheese, meat (usually), veggies (sometimes), and even fruit (occasionally.)

Yes, I said “fruit.” You see, there is a wide variety of foodstuffs that you put on a pizza, and most of those things are accepted by everyone. You may not like a particular topping, but you recognize that someone else might like that topping, and they can have that topping on their pizza. (Even anchovies.) And that’s the way it should be. But, some people draw the line at pineapple. They’ll say that if there is pineapple on it, it can’t be called a pizza.

People feel very strongly about this issue. The president of Iceland stated that he wished he could make putting pineapple on pizza against the law. And a friend of mine who thinks he’s an authority on the subject because he has an Italian last name once wrote, “If it has pineapple on it, IT ISN’T PIZZA!!!!!!” That’s some serious ALL CAPS, plus six exclamation points, if anyone is counting. (And apparently, I am.)

I’m not sure why these people have decided that pineapple is the one topping that they must make a stand against. Are they afraid of pineapple? Is it too delicious? Were they emotionally scarred by that Tiki episode of “The Brady Bunch?” Do they think pineapple will be a gateway fruit, paving the way for bananas or mangoes?

Everyone has toppings they don’t like. I can’t stand green peppers; I think they are disgusting, and they overpower any other ingredient they are paired with. And yet, I’m perfectly fine if someone wants to put green peppers on THEIR pizza, as long as they keep them off of MY pizza. I’m not going to declare, “if it has green peppers, it isn’t pizza,” because I’m willing to allow others the freedom to choose their own pizza toppings. (This is, after all, America!)

There’s such a great variety of toppings that can be put on a pizza, it’s a shame to limit them. Just a few years ago, I would have never thought barbecue sauce or alfredo sauce belonged on a pizza, but now I’d gladly enjoy either of those alongside my tomato sauce and pepperoni!

So, I will have pineapple on my pizza, whether you like it or not. And I will call it a pizza, whether you agree or not. And my suggestion to you would be to get your own pizza, and put whatever you want on it. And enjoy that pizza, because pizza is delicious!

(Having said all that: anchovies? Really?)

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Joseph Capell
Joseph Capell
Joe Capell is a husband and the father of four children. When not herding the kids or working, he enjoys writing funny-ish things for the amusement of others. He’s also fond of naps and eating ice cream with his wife.
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