The Unwritten Rules for Eating At McDonald’s

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Sometimes the call of the Golden Arches is too strong to ignore. We’ve all fallen for it, whether it be because we’re desperately hungry, we don’t have enough money to go anywhere else, or we’re longing for the comfortable familiarity of that boot-shaped McNugget. Maybe it’s the only place open at 2:00 AM, or we foolishly told the kids they could choose where we eat.

McDonald’s is ubiquitous. McDonald’s is inevitable. McDonald’s is inescapable. You will eat at McDonald’s again.

And the next time you do go there, it’s best to keep in mind the Unwritten Rules of Eating at McDonald’s:

If you check your bag at the drive-thru, it will always be correct, although you’ll annoy the car behind you. If you don’t check your bag before pulling away, something will be wrong or missing. (At the very least they’ll have forgotten to give you napkins.)

Don’t fall for the Happy Meal trap. Just buy the kids stuff off of the dollar menu, because it’s not worth the extra two dollars you’ll pay for a Happy Meal just to get some cheap-o toy you’ll end up stepping on and throwing away in two days. (57% of the toys in your kids’ toy box are the discarded remnants of Happy Meal toys.)

If you have a chicken (or fish) sandwich and a hamburger, always eat the chicken (or fish) sandwich first, because a cold hamburger tastes better than a cold chicken (or fish) sandwich.

If you are in a big hurry, do not order the Filet O Fish.

If you order your drink with no ice, but it comes with ice anyway, just deal with it. (If you send it back and ask them to fix it, the chance of someone spitting in your drink more than doubles.)

The “bonus” fries at the bottom of your drive-thru bag are the best fries.

Always grab more napkins than you think you’ll need, because you will need more than you think.

Don’t bother with whatever limited-edition “gourmet” burger they’re pushing. If you wanted something “gourmet,” you certainly wouldn’t be at McDonald’s in the first place.

Do you know why there’s a warning saying that the apple pie filling is hot? Because it’s hot, you moron! It’s hotter than the molten lava of an erupting volcano!

Whatever you do, do NOT take a bite of that McRib!!!

Don’t go up into the PlayPlace to retrieve your child. You do not want to be the adult who gets stuck up in the PlayPlace. Besides, they will come down on their own…. Eventually…. If you wait long enough…. Just be patient….Any time now…. Don’t make me come up there and get you!!!

Chris Baird
Chris Baird
Chris is a family man with a beautiful wife and four kids. Three Girls, One Boy. He enjoys playing basketball, being outdoors, and the old normal.

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