I Just Want to Wash My Hair

I’m a guy. I’m not bald. (Yet.) And so, occasionally, I wash my hair. This USED to be a fairly simple process: 1) go to the store; B) buy some shampoo; 3) lather, rinse, repeat. (The only tricky part was knowing when to stop repeating.)

I say “used to” be simple because, well, have you been down the shampoo aisle lately? You have to be a chemist, florist, hair stylist, or fruit grower to understand what half the stuff they are selling is anymore!

As I look at the shampoos and conditioners I realize that my first problem is I don’t know what kind of hair I have. Every product is specifically designed for a certain kind of hair. There’s stuff for “Fine Hair,” “Dry Hair,” “Curly or Wavy Hair,” “Weak or Damaged Hair,” “Fine to Flat Hair,” “Dry or Frizzy Hair,” and “Frizzy, Dry and Unmanageable Hair.”

[I should point out here that everything in quotation marks was found on an actual bottle of shampoo or conditioner.]

I really don’t know which, if any, of these categories my hair falls into. I scour the shelves for something normal, but apparently there is no such thing as normal hair.

One company has product that wants to take your hair from one state to another, with labels that read “Flat to Volume,” “Frizzy to Smooth,” and “Dry to Moisturized.” When I see “Dry to Moisturized,” I’m assuming dry is bad and moisturized is good. In fact, there are several other bottles promising to make your hair more (or possibly even the most) moist. There is “Nourishing Moisture,” for when your hair hungers for moistness. “Luxurious Moisture,” for when your hair wants to sip champagne and eat caviar. And “Moisture Renewal,” for when the subscription runs out on you hair’s moistness.

I’m not sure who would buy “Anti-Humidity” here in Utah. There IS no humidity here. It’s the desert. It’s a dry heat. (And speaking of dry heat, “Climate Protection” sounds more like the subject of an Al Gore speech than a shampoo/conditioner.)

The most confounding of these bottles claims to be “Hydralicious Self-Targeting Conditioner.” I have no idea what this means, because “hydralicious” is not even a word. I know–I looked it up. (Auto-correct thought I was talking about hydraulics.) (I don’t want hydraulic fluid anywhere near my hair.)

So, I have no idea what I should try to make my hair clean and/or conditioned. I guess I’m looking back to a simpler time, when the only shampoo I used was a plain yellow bottle of “Johnson’s Baby Shampoo.” “No More Tears” is a slogan I can understand and agree with. (I just hope it leaves my hair moist enough.)

Joseph Capell
Joseph Capellhttp://slowjoe40.com
Joe Capell is a husband and the father of four children. When not herding the kids or working, he enjoys writing funny-ish things for the amusement of others. He’s also fond of naps and eating ice cream with his wife.

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